I spent ten years abandoning myself to keep a marriage alive.
I told myself that I was doing it for the kids.
But the truth is, I was doing it because I was afraid.
I was afraid of losing half of everything I’d built.
I was afraid of not being seen as the guy who had it all together.
Most of all, I was afraid of being alone.
But here’s the part I couldn’t admit to myself back then:
I was already alone.
It took years of learning how to be honest with myself to allow that truth to emerge. Often, our deepest truths lie in the places we are most afraid to look.
After all, I was happy – or so I told myself. I knew that my marriage wasn’t fulfilling, but I was compensating by filling that hole with business, parenting, adventure, and fun.
But here’s the thing about truth-seeking: once you start being honest with yourself, the dissonance falls like dominoes.
Eventually, I could no longer ignore reality. I saw the self-deception for what it was.
I came to her with two options. Either we burn it all down and rebuild something new and meaningful, or we stop pretending and go our separate ways.
It became clear that the former was not in the cards.
Everything I was afraid of still happened.
I lost half of my money.
My carefully constructed self-image unraveled.
My life came apart.
And it was all worth it.
I look back on that decision as the greatest gift I have ever given myself.
Last week, I celebrated 3 years of marriage to the love of my life.
I have a true partner.
She lights me up every time she walks into the room.
She celebrates my victories as her own. She shares in my losses as if they were hers.
She provides for our family so I can pursue my purpose.
But most importantly, I never have to diminish myself or keep myself small to be with her.
It is because of my partnership with her that I am the man that I am today.
To everyone reading this who is living in fear, afraid of what might happen if they leave a relationship that is no longer serving them:
It might be hard.
It will be scary.
And someday, you will look back, just as I do, and thank the version of yourself that chose courage.
The one who chose to stop abandoning yourself.
The one who decided that you were worthy of love.
I promise.
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